To be seen and known and loved, I’m learning lately how these truly are my Deepest Cravings. What was buried behind years of body shame, diet obsession and compulsive eating was a hunger for authentic living and authentic human connection. I’ve been exploring for myself all the ways I became skillful at blocking myself from attaining the beautiful gift of true human connection:
To be seen? Well, I hide. I bury myself in my busyness and distraction. I try to trick you into believing that I’m important because of what I DO and not because of who I essentially AM. When I’m with you it can be so much safer to tuck the authentic me away – boarded up behind a layer of mirrors – I can reflect to you what you want to see rather than who I really am. I can play safely over here all alone and just blend in.
And when I do muster the courage to let myself out to play (like now), when I let you in, there is always connection and healing and it’s like drinking cool water in a desperate thirst.
To be known? I lie. I say what I think might keep you close to me, what might align us, attempting to ward off the lonliness I fear and ironically cultivating more. I become quiet when I get hurt or recognize that I have a need and silence myself into a private internal world of hopes and dreams and desires. I let my truth be mine in secret.
To be loved? See above. How can I ever truly let you love me if you don’t see me or know me? The love you offer me feels good but somehow it is hollow and lacking if what you are loving is a fiction, a careful creation. I’m allowing you to love a design I’ve skillfully woven to keep you connected to me. How I cheated myself and how I cheated you of the opportunity for something real.
Stripped of my protections, my projections, my fortress… Here I am. Me – that which God intended ‘precious and free’.
And so… The path to authentic connection?
Love, my friends, Love.
First, deeply loving ourselves – every inch of our gorgeous beings. Love our hopes, our dreams, our desires, our wounds, our imperfections, our thighs, our hips, our breasts, bones and blood. Every cell of our being, every thought, every feeling are sparkles of our creation. Even our darkness, our darkest moments are symbols of our evolution, our growing, our reaching for our own unique potential.
When we love ourselves, we allow ourselves to really be seen and known, what we feel, what we want, what we need. We begin to take care of the treasure that we are and feed ourselves what we are truly hungry for.
Today I am hungry for Light, fearlessness, presence with my precious babies, joyful and free movement in my body, and fresh berries.
Love to you all.
Photo credit: Megan Hooks Photography, Edmonds, Wa